Ben Franklin Mob H3

(This appears to be several songs put together – the Durex verse is sung to “Diamonds Are a Girl’s Best Friend.” The chorus can be sung by itself, and random separate songs can be added. Rhode Island H3 often does this with short songs like By the Light of the Flickering Match)

I first met Nellie ‘awkins down the old Kent Road
Her drawers were hanging down
She’d just been with Charlie Brown
I shoved a filthy tanner in her filthy rotten hand
‘Cause she was a dirty old whore
Oh she wore no blouses
And I wore no trousers
And we both wore no underwear

When she caressed me
She damn near undressed me
What a pleasure, no man knows
I went to the doctor – he said
“Where did you knock her?
I said, “Down where the green grass grows.”
He said, “In less than a twinkle
That pimple on your winkle
Will be bigger than a big red rose.”

(Chorus:)
Won’t somebody make my rhubarb rise
Dada dada da da
Oh my rhubarb refuses to rise
To its natural size
Market gardenin’ size
Oh my rhubarb refuses to rise
‘Cause my baby don’t love me
My baby don’t love me
Oh my baby don’t love me no mooore

A poke with a bloke may be quite incidental
Durex is a girl’s best friend.
You may get the works
But you won’t be parental
As he slides it in
You trust that good old latex skin
As he lets fly, none gets by
Cause it’s all gathered up in the end.
This little precaution
Avoids an abortion
Durex is a girl’s best friend.

I caught a dose of pox a year ago
I thought it was the clap and it would go.
But the more I waited, the worse it grew
Now I’ve got galloping knob rot.
What can I do?
The other day I lost my starboard ball
And now the other one’s begun to fall
I’m wasting away, I’ll be sorry someday
‘Cause then I’ll have no balls at all.

(Original rugby version of Nellie ‘Awkins:)

I first met Nellie ‘Awkins
down the Old Kent Road.
Her drawers were hanging down,
‘Cos she’d been with Charlie Brown,
I pressed a filthy tanner
in her filthy bleeding hand.
‘Cos she was a low dozen whore.

She wore no blouses And I wore no trousers,
And she wore no underclothes,
And when she caressed me
She damn near undressed me
It’s a thrill that no one knows.
I went to the doctor,
He said, “Where did you block ‘er?”
I said, “Down where the green grass grows.”
He said, quick as a twinkle,
The pimple on your winkle
Will be bigger than a red, red rose.”